I deserve a life...or do I...?

It has been a long time since I was here and frankly speaking I had no reason to be i.e. till recently. Nearly less than a decade ago, I vowed that I would try and be a different person in all aspects. I had no plans, no procedures in mind, all I wanted was to be different and that does not mean being popular (to be honest I have always avoided being popular).
To be honest what can you really expect from an introvert, personality-less late teen/early twenties guy like me except for the fact that he is just moving on from being a kid and turning into a full time adult. To cut a long story short, the point at which I stand right now is shouting at me and it says simply..."You did it to yourself". I do not deny it, in fact I take the blame for each and everything that has happened to me, not to mention that Allah is always watching us right? 

If you want to be happy and be in the company of someone you have to put in an effort to go out there and do it, I ask that question to myself and the answer is a simple "No", I didn't do anything at all. In-fact the only thing that I am doing right now is cutting off all that is around me and slowly but surely turning into a psychopath, and the funny thing is that I know what is happening to me but still just have not learned a single fucking lesson have I? 

Through out my academic life I have always ended up avoiding people and in the end cutting them off for good, and yes its a no-brainer that it includes University life as well. We the Uni students normally form a group of a few guys and girls (can be just one gender too) and if the bond is strong then the friendship becomes more stronger and they even get married to each other or even stay in touch after marriage. Now where do I stand in all this...absolutely no where. Why? Because I did not do a single thing to make myself become noticed, not in the way and not at the level at which it should have happened. What is even funnier that the many opportunities I got I just let them pass by and chose to be open to all.

Now this strategy is supposed to make others notice your presence and yes it did, however norms are norms and they just do not change. People like to surrender themselves to a select few and hence if they all get along well then their interaction spills out of the University confines and becomes personal even whereas I ended up being all by myself, also proud supporters of this cause are my lack of participation, lack of meetups, girls play a big part in filling other's ears about a person so yes count that too, lack of confidence in myself...that is all I can thin of now. 

I was at this gathering simply because I needed to see a few faces because it had been a long time and secondly I have missed a few before and this time I got the invitation on the phone call so I had to go. I got there early than expected much thanks to my family for dropping me otherwise I was simply not going to make it, again. They all started arriving slowly and when the house was full we were all there (almost). It was the usual hugs and kisses at first and then then all sat together as we all do at gatherings. 

Then at that point I realized that there was something wrong, I was not the way I should have been, it was just not working out and that is where my shortcomings started coming out. Frankly speaking I have no social etiquettes according to me and of course as pointed out by my mom that I need to learn them. I do not get along with a few and they include girls too, also that those guys have been together like since university with me being with them once in a blue moon. We are good friends but its just that one does not simply meetup like once and a year and expect a red carpet reception.

Those jokes on each other that make all laugh did not work well with me, that frankness was not there and most importantly I was myself feeling awkward. One of the guys whom I met after a long time said to me, "You made it in one peace?" This statement right there summed things up and I realized that now I deserve a real ass-kicking right now. We all ate dinner, I did not get a seat so i decided to lock myself in a corner and eat while standing (thankfully there was a table where I could actually put my plate). Anyways the atmosphere was a typical one where people who know each other tend to be together and just enjoy the occasion, and as far as I go? Well there are them guys I know but its just that I just couldn't hangout with them too often and hence I realized that the shit just hit the fan. 

My family was waiting outside earlier than expected and I took the opportunity to look at all of them one last time and just left the place quietly and abruptly without even participating in a group photo session. I lied to my family that it was all good and stuff but as we got home and lied down to sleep, I succumbed to my emotions and realized that I finally got what I deserve, depression hit me and I let my tears flow and flow till I fell asleep. Since this morning I have not felt better at all, from time to time I am getting flashbacks and I start crying again and again. I have never felt this vulnerable in my life to date and now that I got slapped, lets just say that its all over, there is no way of going back and looking ahead I do not see any improvement.

I have always been resisting change despite the good people around me and always chose the wrong path, now I am stuck in the middle of no where and have realized that I still will not do anything to improve myself. Just feel like cursing myself non stop right now because I am completely broken, I should not live in my own world but sadly that is what i have been doing and will continue to do so till God gets a good hold of me and gives me that much needed hard shake (apparently that is what it looks like).

In a nutshell, yes this Bastard is getting exactly what he deserves for all that he has done and still has not learned his lesson fully, now if I may be excused I still have more tears to shed and I will continue to do so till the tears stop flowing.